A Two and Eight
by Nabob
Summary: Miroku's been screwed. Literally. [BLACK HUMOUR] [ONE SHOT]


Written for black lavender at the Live Journal group, iyf lashfic.

**A Two and Eight**

When Miroku finally succeeded in rousing himself awake, it took him a full five minutes to realize that he was still drooling, and then another two that he was nauseous and about to throw up. He didn't get very far before he started to retch, conveniently into the flower bed, which was inconveniently not the property of anyone he knew. It wasn't long before he found himself on the ground again.

Lazily, he stared at the green blades of grass, which looked marginally taller from this point of view. He tried counting them all, but lost consciousness just after thirty-two.

Inuyasha found him three hours later, and dunked his head in a bucket of water until Miroku threatened to unleash the Kazaana on him.

"I guess you're proud of yourself," Inuyasha told him when he'd managed to get his breath back.

"How so, Inuyasha?" he asked, without much curiosity, too hung over to care very much.

Inuyasha rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest. "Take a look at yourself, Miroku. I'd clean that up before the others see it." And then Inuyasha left him there, leaning against the wall of the inn, staring at his crotch.

"Shit," Miroku said, and dunked his head in the bucket.

Afterwards, when Miroku was soaking in a hot bath, surprisingly not having drowned himself by accident yet, Inuyasha came into the room and threw a slippery white bar at his head.

"Oi!" he yelled, attracting the monk's attention, which was not unexpectedly short-spanned.

Miroku had to blink a few times, still feeling that half his mind had gone wandering, before he gathered that Inuyasha was actually there. Upon his entry, Miroku had thought he was a woman. _'Too bad,'_ he thought, and fumbled around him for the former missile.

"Yes…?" he said groggily.

Inuyasha nodded towards the bar with his chin. "Found that in Kagome's bag. Wash yourself with it – you stink."

Miroku tried to glare at the _hanyou_, but nearly went cross-eyed. "I apologize if I'm still too…pungent, for your delicate senses, Inuyasha," he replied in dry tones.

His friend huffed. "Who did you take advantage of last night?"

"Is that an accusation?"

"Don't act stupid, Miroku – who the hell did you sleep with?" Inuyasha took a step towards the bath, glowering.

The soap slipped from Miroku's hand, and he watched it sink with mild fascination. "I don't remember," he muttered, and slid further into the steaming water, up to his chin.

Inuyasha raised an eyebrow. "You are in such shit."

Miroku closed his eyes. "Whose daughter was it?"

"Naraku's."

Miroku snapped up like a bowstring. "_What?_" His eyes rolled over in his head, following Inuyasha as he walked over to him, crouching down by his head.

"When I found you this morning, you stunk of that bastard." He paused a moment to sniff. "You _still_ smell."

Miroku could only stare at him. "You don't think it was…that – that _he _did it himse –"

Inuyasha's snort cut him off. "How the hell should I know? They all smell the same."

"You aren't helping," Miroku said, a note of panic entering his voice.

"It wasn't _him_," Inuyasha said, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. "You are so hung over. Do you know that?"

"Who _was_ it then?" Miroku leaned out of the bath, grabbing hold of Inuyasha's arm, much to the _hanyou_'s dislike. "_Who_ _raped me last night?_" He shook his friend's arm in urgency.

"Whoa – cut it out!" Inuyasha removed his hand unceremoniously. "I'm sure you enjoyed it anyway – whoever fucked you wouldn't have had any trouble getting _you_ into bed."

"Thank you, Inuyasha," Miroku said, feeling affronted. Sinking back into the water up to his nose, he blew bubbles, his headache feeling a great deal more intense. The more he tried to think, the more things hurt. Groping around the bath, he found the soap and started scrubbing his feet.

"Miroku," Inuyasha said by his ear. "Miroku!"

Turning a narrowed eye in his direction, Miroku snorted into the water.

"It wasn't Naraku," he said, trying to sound reassuring. "I just know that…_asshole_ wouldn't screw you."

Miroku sat up in the water. "You make that sound as if it's a good thing."

"_Isn't_ it?" Inuyasha was looking a little alarmed.

"Yes!" Miroku held his head in his hands. "It's just – ignore it." He let his hands fall into the water. "So, you don't know for _sure_?"

"Not…_sure sure_," Inuyasha said, leaning back on his heals. "But – I just know, okay!"

The glare he received did not make the other appear convinced. At that, Inuyasha scoffed and then stood, folding his arms stubbornly. "We'll talk later, when you're sober," he said, before turning away and walking to the _shoji_ and sliding it open. He paused in the doorway, looking back over his shoulder. "Miroku…" The monk's eyes looked up at him from his dejected place in the bath. "…I'd wash your mouth if I were you."

Inuyasha slid the screen shut as he exited, leaving Miroku alone, coughing up bathwater.

An hour or so later, Inuyasha made a ridiculous show that proved to the girls and Shippou the extent of how inept a liar he was, when he attempted to make an unnecessary excuse to speak with Miroku _alone_, though he soon had himself so knotted up in words that he fled the room with a red face.

"What was that for?" Shippou asked, bemused.

Kagome shrugged. "I'm sure he has his reasons, whatever he's doing."

Sango said nothing, narrowing her eyes at the closed _shoji_, feeling that the others must have been omitted from the ominous tension building in the air.

* * *

"We know you didn't fuck Naraku, so that leaves about…two, three options?" Inuyasha mused. "That's only if you include Hakudoushi, though."

Miroku closed his eyes and let his head fall against the wall – a bit harder than was necessary, especially considering his current condition.

"It could have been Kanna."

Choking a little, Miroku pulled himself upright. "_What_? But – she's not even past _puberty_, is she?"

"Well…" Inuyasha cocked his head to the side in contemplation. Miroku didn't think he was taking this as seriously as he should be. "Aren't they _all_ kids? Technically?"

Miroku stared at him, deadpan. "You are not helping."

"It could have been Kagura – at least she has tits."

Miroku clutched his head in his hands.

Sitting cross-legged and facing him, Inuyasha gripped Tessaiga's hilt as he glared at the floor. "Say you did sleep with Kanna," he began, and Miroku groaned. "At least she's a girl, but what would Naraku _get_ out of this?" He shook his head, still directing his gaze to the _tatami_ mats. "It just doesn't make any fucking _sense_," he muttered, finally using some of his usual vocabulary. Miroku was almost relieved.

"You won't tell them – will you?" he suddenly blurted, and Inuyasha looked up.

He frowned. "No," he said finally, but the length of the pause before answering gave Miroku an unsettling sensation. He had a feeling that his only chance of erasing this point in history would be to bash Inuyasha in the side of the head with his _shakujou_ until his skull imploded, but he doubted the reliability of his staff.

"Do you think that Kanna even knows what sexual intercourse is?" Miroku turned to Inuyasha, waiting for an answer.

"What, you mean sex?" Miroku rolled his eyes as Inuyasha shrugged. "I don't know – Naraku just _makes _them. He's got all these fucking random babies popping up all over the place these days, and it's pissing me off."

Miroku coughed into his sleeve, and Inuyasha glared.

"Well, it's not like he'd be _showing_ them how," Inuyasha retorted, disgruntled at the monk's amusement. He looked to the floor again. "Unless…"

"Inuyasha!"

"You never know what that sick bastard's up to!" He folded his arms into his sleeves and leaned back, annoyed. "This just doesn't make _sense_," he muttered again, to himself.

Miroku heaved a sigh and slunk closer to the floor, slouching. He hung his head in his hands and massaged his temples. "So either way, it makes me a pedophile and a pervert."

"You're that already!"

"I am not a pedophile!"

The two lapsed into silence and directed their eyes towards something inanimate. Miroku was feeling only slightly better from this morning, but by the way this conversation was going, he clearly wasn't going to make a quick recovery. If it wasn't for the acute pain in his head, he was sure that he'd have long ago reached for another bottle of _sake_.

"At least Kagura has breasts."

"You said that already."

"Well, who would you fuck, Kagura or the boy!" Inuyasha leaned forward, appearing almost as frustrated outwardly as Miroku was inwardly. He settled back against the wall. "I hear some men like boys anyway."

Miroku looked back at Inuyasha. "I have a definite preference for females, Inuyasha."

Inuyasha snorted, looking away. "But _why_?" he thought aloud, his eyebrows lowered next to his nostrils in his excessive consternation. "Does he want to get _pregnant_ or something? This is totally fucked up!" He punched the floor with his fist, and Miroku jolted at the sound. And then he stared at Inuyasha in horror.

"What are you looking at me like that for? They can fix the floor…" he trailed off. "Miroku?"

The aforementioned licked his lips. "Inuyasha, you don't think…"

"That…what – Naraku wants to get…" His eyes flew into round shock. "…Oh."

"But why…" Miroku said, "what could he possibly want that would make him –" he cut himself off, holding up his right hand, staring at it. Inuyasha swallowed.

"Dear Buddha," Miroku murmured.

* * *

After that, Miroku and Inuyasha spent the majority of the following nights awake and tossing, mulling over their fears and theories, only falling asleep when their exhaustion pulled their sticky eyelids closed.

Miroku was having a particularly troublesome time of it all, having constant and disturbing dreams in which he often found himself lost or naked, or sitting in a puddle with an oddly designed shovel that was rather small. The most torturous thing about the dreams, though, was the fact that they always began so perfectly – or usually did. He would be surrounded by beautiful, unclothed women, often while in a bath or a bed, but before they had even removed his robe, they'd morph into grotesque and horrifying monsters.

It was Miroku's belief that these "women" were the souls of his past lovers, come to haunt his dreams. But that still left him without a reason for them to be dead, or even mad at him in the first place. They _had_ enjoyed themselves, after all. At least, that was the impression they had given.

When next they saw Kagura, she was looking pronouncedly fatter.

"Did Kagura gain weight?" Kagome whispered to the others, full of confusion as she regarded the wind sorceress and her "bulge". She didn't appear to notice the sudden change in Miroku's complexion.

"I am _not_ fat!"

Kagome took a step back. "I – no, of course not." Inuyasha keh'd beside her. Miroku just made a faint noise that sounded similar to a wounded puppy. Sango was glaring at him, and Shippou was sitting on Kirara's shoulder, baffled.

Their supposed enemy folded her arms across her chest, which made her belly all the more obvious. Kagome began to choke.

Arching an eyebrow, Kagura marched toward them, _kimono_ swishing as she went, dust whirling about her. It was a show, quite apparently, but it seemed to be having an effect on Miroku, who was looking somewhat ill.

Inuyasha instantly had Tessaiga out, the restraint on his tongue also unsheathed as he let the curses fly. A few garnered him some dirty looks from his fellow female companions, but he was a bit too caught up in the moment to remember what types of injuries those two could inflict. Not to mention Kirara.

When he had finished his tirade, Kagura flicked her fan and said archly, "Well?"

They stared.

"Well what?" Inuyasha finally replied, straightening but not letting go of his sword.

"Are you done?"

Inuyasha shifted from one foot to the other, looking slightly mystified and a tad more aggravated. "Yes," he muttered, grumpily.

She rolled her eyes and flicked her fan shut with a snap. "Well thank you for that." She stared at them for a few brief moments then, her gaze lingering on Miroku before swinging back to the others, a little too pointedly to escape anyone's notice. To herself she muttered, "Why am I even here," in a sardonic tone, but it was not low enough to escape the ears of Inuyasha. She then returned her attention to the puzzled group.

"You cannot even begin to imagine the debasement of this…this…" she said suddenly, gesturing to her stomach. Miroku appeared slightly offended, and her gaze immediately swung towards him. She lifted her arm to point directly at his face with her fan, anger inlaid in her features. "This is all your fault, you horny monk."

Kagome gasped, Inuyasha growled, and Sango tightened her grip on her sword. "What's horny mean?" Shippou asked.

"Miroku-sama, you –!" Words seemed to fail her, so Kagome huffed angrily and stomped her foot instead. "How _could_ you?"

"Well, seems as he was shit faced, there wasn't much he could do about it," Inuyasha supplied from the sidelines.

"_What?_"

"He was perfectly willing, for your information!"

"And drunk off his ass, you bitch!"

"Can somebody please explain this to me!" Kagome implored, only to lose her question amid the verbal combat taking place between Inuyasha and the "wind bitch", as he was currently dubbing her.

"Excuse me, may I entreat you enough to cease your bickering – for only a moment!" Miroku raised his hand into the air like a solicitor. He was looking remarkably calm, given the situation, and the two arguing seemed to sense an underlying threat that was serious enough to silence them.

"Thank you." Miroku adjusted his robes and cleared his throat, directing his question to the pregnant _youkai_. "If I may be so curious as to wonder – you can _get_ pregnant?"

Composure lost, everyone gaped. Kagura snorted. "Well, obviously."

"But –"

"Don't think you are the only one shocked, monk. This was _never_ my idea. Naraku is a masochist and an asshole." She brushed off an invisible speck of dirt from her sleeve. "I do not know how long he's had this stupid plan of his, but I can only guess he must have taken my 'fertility' into consideration before I was born, or 'created' if you prefer." She crossed her arms and looked away.

Everyone seemed to wear a doubtful or confused expression. Inuyasha was the first to voice some of that sentiment. "But how the hell can you be so fat after three weeks?"

"I am not fat!" Kagura yelled, with enough frightening gleam in her eyes to seal the mouth of the _hanyou_. She sniffed, holding her head up as she stared down at them. "Besides, you can't expect a _youkai_ to go through pregnancy the same way a human does. Naraku didn't even get through the first trimester before having _me_."

Inuyasha choked on that, while the others took on similar faces to that of Miroku.

"Oh don't look so horrified," Kagura said, misreading their reactions. "I'm pregnant not diseased."

Directly following that statement, Sango shoved her sword back into its scabbard – which had been unsheathed without alerting anyone – and stalked off, Kirara trailing after her, Shippou still riding atop her, calling back to Kagome, asking her what "fertility" was.

* * *

"Why are we not killing her?" Inuyasha groused from his place by the fire.

"Because she's carrying Miroku's baby," Kagome replied, not looking up from her math homework, which was spread out before her.

"Yeah," he added, "but Naraku's going to use the baby to _kill us_." He fisted his hands and shoved them deep into his sleeves, muttering nonsensical things under his breath.

Kagome just rolled her eyes, but Sango, who sat next to her, was looking quite pale and strained. Their latest and most unexpected news had been quite a blow to her, and she had yet to utter a word since their earlier meeting with Kagura. Said demon herself was sitting as far away from Miroku as was possible, and he complying quite willfully with her unwritten rules. So far, it was a mutual relationship, and despite the circumstances, Miroku was finding them most agreeable.

"How long then, is it, before the child is born?" Miroku inquired, though he had to raise his voice a bit to reach the woman.

Looking none too happy about answering his question, she said, "In two and a half months, roughly."

Silence spawned between them, and Miroku settled back, looking into the distance, his expression suddenly appearing quite weary. Kagome was the only one who noticed, as the others were so involved in their distractions. Not very subtly, Kagome scooted over to Miroku's side, and squeezed his right hand. When he looked up, she smiled at him.

"_Not_ killing her!" Inuyasha muttered beside them.

Miroku was rather wishing he would.

* * *

"So you _plan_ to go through with it?"

"I believe all things need to be taken into deeper consideration before we do anything rash. And I am not so willing to kill my own child _just_ yet."

"Houshi-sama!"

"Sango…I know this must have all come as a shock to you…" Miroku took a step towards her, holding out his hands, and she immediately stepped back two.

"I wouldn't presume _anything_, at this point, if I were you, Houshi-sama." There was a deep bitterness lacing her words, and none of it was doing much good for Miroku's frayed nerves.

He took a breath. "This is a very…_odd_ situation, I'll be the first to admit, Sango, and do not think that I myself am not wounded by all of this. I think everyone is forgetting that _I_ am the one who has been taken advantage of here."

"For once in your life," she grumbled, turning away. Miroku didn't quite think that was fair.

"I can assure you though, my dearest Sango," he began, attempting a different approach, "that I have sworn off all alcoholic beverages forever."

She swung around, suddenly furious, her hand following the rest of her and landing on its familiar place on his cheek, stinging brutally. "Then at least this has caused you to quit _one_ bad habit!" And then she stomped off, leaving Miroku holding his face and feeling somewhat insulted.

* * *

"I say we kill her now."

"Inuyasha, no."

"How about now?"

"No."

"In five minutes?"

"No!"

"What about tomorrow?"

"I said no!" Kagome stomped her foot in frustration, glaring at her companion.

"Do not think that I cannot hear you," Kagura called down to them, from her place on her feather. Inuyasha's face began to grow red with rage, but Kagome lay her hand on his arm, calming him – slightly.

Miroku was walking just ahead, oblivious to their argument, full of dark thoughts and worries, though always coming back to the _real_ issue: had Kagura been good in bed?

* * *

"If it is born, and I die, will you name it after me?"

She stared at him dully. "And what if it is a girl?"

"A girl could be named Miroku."

Kagura shook her head and massaged her temples. "I can't believe I slept with you."

Curiosity piqued, Miroku leaned forward. "That reminds me – was it good?"

Aghast, Kagura's eyes went wide with shock before she regained her composure and narrowed them. "What has that got to do with anything?"

"_Everything_," Miroku said huskily, leaning forward and grinning mischievously.

Kagura slapped him. "You fucking pervert!" And she got up – surprisingly quickly with her large belly – dusted off her _kimono_, snorted contemptuously at him, and said, "You were crap, and Naraku will name it."

Miroku watched her retreating figure in shock. "I was _crap_?"

* * *

"Again, _why_ is she staying with us?"

"I don't know Inuyasha," Kagome said tiredly.

"Then why don't we _kill her?_"

"Because I'd kill you first."

Inuyasha swung around and glared at the wind mistress. "If it weren't for you being so fucking fat, I would kick your ass, bitch!"

"I am not fat!"

Kagome dropped her head into her hands, feeling as if she were cradling a bomb.

* * *

Once again side-by-side and alone, save for the great awkwardness between them, Miroku turned towards her and asked, "So, why _are _you here?"

Kagura was looking almost on the verge of not being antisocial this night, so Miroku had fair hopes of finally understanding her sudden decision to stay with their group, and not kill them. Not _yet_, anyway.

Slowly, she turned to face him, and he saw in it a strange look of desperation, which perplexed him greatly.

"Naraku believes that I am in a castle that he has secured, safely waiting out the pregnancy for the birth of _your_ kid." She began to play with her hands in her lap, focusing on them.

"So…" Miroku spoke, staring at her intently, "why then, are you with us?"

She looked up, her expression stretched across her face. "How do you get rid of a baby?"

"Are you sure we shouldn't talk about this?" Miroku pleaded with her as she strode determinedly up the hill with Kaede.

"This is a _good_ thing, monk," she replied in aggravation. "If I'd any idea of your willingness to die earlier, I would have happily obliged you."

"But…"

"This is the only way I know how to deal with this, and I haven't heard any better suggestions from you, so either shut up or go away!" she snapped, glaring at him.

Kagura and Kaede reached the hut alone.

* * *

Kaede did it, and no one was permitted inside for the duration of the week, save for Miroku, who was called in on the second day.

"I'm not apologizing," was the first thing Kagura said to him, "but I just wanted to let you know that you weren't crap." She lay back in bed, observing him, smirking at his obvious pleasure. Then she added, "Though not quite as good as Sesshoumaru."

* * *

"Miroku," Inuyasha said plainly, staring at him, "Sesshoumaru's _gay_."

The dejected monk threw his head into his hands. "I've been ousted by an _amateur!_"

Inuyasha scoffed. "Whatever. Kagura's just making it up – he'd as soon screw Jaken."

Miroku looked up. "The toad?"

His friend raised an eyebrow.

Confused, Miroku said, "But…I thought they already _were_."

The arguments surrounding Sesshoumaru's sexual orientation continued throughout the week, and by the end of it they were no nearer to a conclusion then when they had started. Thus, Miroku had only to conclude that Jaken and Sesshoumaru were lovers, and Kagura was simply too jealous to admit it.

For some strange reason, though, Kaede appeared to be quite disappointed when presented with this theory.

* * *

"What do you think Naraku will do when he finds out?"

"I don't know. …But there's no way I'm ever sleeping with you again!"

"…Not even as punishment?"

It was with a confused mindset that Miroku watched Kagura walk stiffly from the village, perhaps never to be seen again, but he was sure that sentiment would be much too cliché. Gods knew, their group had enough of those.

Leaning back against the wall on the porch, Miroku stared obliquely, wondering if he would ever come to terms with this most recent incident, and more importantly, would he ever _remember_ it.

At that moment, Sango sat down beside him quietly, her eyes following his to the window of a nearby house, and squinting, she frowned, as she could see no naked women through it, or anything at all, really.

"Houshi-sama?"

"Hn?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"Sex."

Her initial reaction was a sudden urge to direct any object (or ob_jects_) of heavy consistency towards his head, but somehow managed to prevent herself from physically maiming him, instead descending the porch steps and walking off in much the same manner as Kagura had mere minutes ago.

"Wow," Inuyasha commented as he stepped out onto the porch, "that's two in twenty minutes. What do you think would happen if I sent Kagome out here?"

* * *

It could have been said that Miroku was the fastest recovered rape victim in history, but nobody would have been surprised.

"Would you name it after me?" he asked her one day, out of the blue.

"Name what after you?" Sango frowned, then, "Oh."

Miroku watched her curiously, a little smile teasing the corners of his mouth.

"Yes," she said after a brief moment of reflection, looking back at him and squinting when the sun caught her eyes. "Yes, I would."

Miroku smiled, and turning back to face in the direction they travelled, he began to laugh, and it was the closest he'd ever come to feeling wonderful in his life. Well, excluding while having sex, of course.

* * *

"Miscarriage?" Naraku repeated, looking angrier and more attractive than usual in his newest purple _kimono_. Violet, actually.

"Yes," Kagura answered, appearing surly and subordinate as was customary.

Tapping his lips impatiently, Naraku sighed, annoyed. "Well then," he said, "we'll just have to send Kanna."


End file.
